AFC North Preview

Baltimore Ravens – The Wire

Why The Wire? –

People you would not want to meet in a dark alley. Or a lit Baltimore street with no cops around for that matter. That is how I would describe some members of the Ravens, namely Ray Lewis, and many characters on The Wire. The Wire is probably my all time favorite drama (close with House. It’s a toss up), so it was tough for me to pick a team like the Ravens, who I am not a fan of, to be represented by The Wire. The reason I did was the grittiness and the nastyness of the Ravens defense and the Baltimore streets where The Wire was filmed. Some people say the Baltimore defense has lost a step. That may be true, considering a few years ago they were one of the best defenses in the history of football, but I still wouldn’t want to anger them. I feel the same about the city of Baltimore as a whole. I went there this summer for an Orioles game and had a great time. Downtown was beautiful, people were nice, good restaurants and all that stuff. However, I made extra sure to not make a wrong turn. I’ve heard to be cautious and I’ve seen every episode of The Wire at least three times, so I know Baltimore is rough. Our old buddies Bunk, Mcnulty and Freeman couldn’t clean up the streets of Baltimore no matter what they did. Baltimore beat the cops every time. It was unbeatable. I don’t think the Ravens are unbeatable, but I know they will be about as tough as the Barksdale gang to bring down. (Besides the gay thing, Ray Lewis is the Omar Little of the NFL. Scary).

Analysis: I think the Ravens will have a very good year and compete for a Super Bowl birth. I am big on Joe Flacco this year. I am smelling 4,000 yards from him. He certainly has the cannon to do it. Ray Rice is a do-everything back that has serious real and fantasy value. Don’t forget offensive weapons Willis McGahee, Derrick Mason and Todd Heap are around, along with additions Anquan Boldin and Donte’ Stallworth when he gets healthy, and now T.J. Houshmandzadeh. This offense could be explosive. The defense will be the defense, with Ray Lewis leading the charge as always. Big things happening in Baltimore this year.

Favorite Player: Ray Lewis. Frankly I’m too scared he would read this and then kill me if I said otherwise.

Least Favorite Player: Michael Oher. I know this is an unpopular pick because Disney decided to make him into a folk hero, but he was a real douche after the Vikings game last year when he said he handled Jared Allen. Hey Michael, look at the game film. Jared was a man that game. Maybe he missed it. Perhaps Allen did all his damage on Oher’s blindside after he swim moved around him.

2009 Record – 9-7
2010 Prediction – 12-4

Pittsburgh Steelers – House

Why House?

– The same formula every season, or every game/episode for that matter, and yet it still works. This is the story of House and the Pittsburgh Steelers. House is consistently one of the top two or three shows in TV, pumping out great episode after great episode. Dr. House and his staff do this with consistency and by sticking by the old mantra “if it ain’t broke, don’t fix it”. The Steelers are consistently one of the top franchises in the NFL. They are also regarded as one of the best ran franchises in sports. The Rooney’s run a tight ship in Pittsburgh, much like my favorite cleavlaged boss, Dr. Cuddy. The Steelers have had a down year here and there, but are always a threat coming into the season and often on top when the season is over. House is much the same way. It could get repetitive at times, but it always sucks you in. It also helps that House’s top doctor, Dr. Foreman, is currently coaching the Steelers.

Analysis – The Steelers went 9-7 last year and were considered a disappointment. Troy Polamalu was hurt for much of the year. I argue that he is more indispensable to that team than any other player. He is one of the top two or three defensive players and unit leaders in all of football. Even with Big Ben missing four games, I think the Steelers are improved this year. Rashard Mendenhall, Hines Ward and Mike Wallace should assist starter Dennis Dixon keep them afloat for four games until Roethlisberger is back. I do wonder about their win total due to those four games and a tough schedule. I think they will win nine or ten games, but if they get in the playoffs, I know I would be hesitant to pick against them.

Favorite Player – Jonathan Dwyer. The former Georgia Tech running back played a vital role in Iowa winning the 2010 Orange Bowl. Oh, wait, you mean he wasn’t in on it? Iowa’s defense was just that good? Ok, nevermind. I’ll take Polamalu then.

Least Favorite player – Ben Roethlisberger. Seems to be a popular guy to dislike, and I never really liked him that much anyway.

2009 Record – 9-7
2010 Prediction – 9-7



Cleveland Browns – Arrested Development

Why Arrested Development ? –

The Browns have one of the most rabid fan bases in football. Win or lose, those fans are barking. Arrested Development also had some of the most loyal fans in the TV world, before it was canceled prematurely. Was Art Model pulling the strings at Fox also? Now, both loyal fan bases are waiting for a return. Arrested Development fans are waiting for the movie, and Browns fans are waiting for a team worth watching. It’s time for the movie and some more one liners from JOB and that blowhard, Tobias. It’s also time for the Browns to quit playing football like George Michael Bluth.

Analysis – I was (un)lucky enough to see the Browns family day inter-squad scrimmage this season. It was as boring as football can possibly be. Jake Delhomme and Seneca Wallace didn’t look especially sharp. Colt McCoy didn’t do anything impressive either. The bright spot was Josh Cribbs, who is as exciting with the ball as anybody in the league. I do not expect big things from the Browns this year, but I do think they are moving in the right direction. If Delhomme gets some of his swagger back and they find a way to integrate Cribbs into the offense they could be dangerous, but I’m not counting on it.

Favorite Player – Josh Cribbs. He is like Dante Hall 2.0, except cooler. Hall always gave me a nerdy vibe, Cribbs is anything but nerdy.

Least Favorite Player – Seneca Wallace. I have hated Seneca Wallace since he pulled the Iowa State victory out of his ass against the Hawkeyes in the great Brad Banks season. I hope Matt Roth lays some ill-advised hits on him at Browns practices.

2009 Record – 5-11

2010 Prediction – 4-12

Cincinnati Bengals – Fringe
Why Fringe? – I like Fringe. I watched the first season on DVD and plan on watching the second when it comes out. It wasn’t my favorite show ever, but Walter is amusing and Joshua Jackson triple-deaked his way into my heart many years ago as Charlie Conway. But, let’s be honest: Fringe is fucking weird and fucking confusing. It is interesting but boring at times. It is smart but stupid at times. It could be great one week and a mess the next week. I’m picturing the 2010 Bengals a team that will have a serious identity crisis from week to week, like Fringe. This Ochocinco and TO combination is just asking for controversy. I could see it working for a bit, but it has to explode at some point, doesn’t it? There are not enough touches for both of these guys, and Carson Palmer is not the Carson Palmer of 2006 anymore. It will only take a couple hung-out-to-dry passes over the middle, or overthrows down the sidelines by Palmer for TO to pout, do some sit-ups in his drive way and possibly OD on pills. These guys seem more like a ticking time bomb than a team to count on to make the playoffs. One thing I think we can count on is Cincinnati being a strange place to be, kind of like a Fringe alternate universe.

Analysis: I have actually heard some arguments that this Bengals team could be better than the 10 win team from last year, and they were convincing arguments, but I just can’t look past Palmer’s deteriorating skills (along with TO and Ochocinco being another year older) and think they will win 10 games again. The defense could be pretty tough, and the offense could be potent again if Cedric Benson has another good year, but there is too many question marks, and it is the Bengals afterall. When have the Bengals ever been the picture of consistency?

Favorite Player – Abdul Hodge. It is just too easy to pick former Hawkeye legends for my favorite players, but I don’t really “like” anybody on the Bengals. I don’t like them from a fan standpoint or fantasy standpoint, so congratulations Abdul. This is the best thing that has happened to Hodge since he left Iowa City.

Least Favorite Player – TO. I have never liked him, and likely never will. I do remember when people said he was better than Randy Moss. TO was never, nor ever will be, better than Randy Moss. He had a better system and better QB in Philly when Moss was wasting away in Oakland, but if they switched teams Moss would have still had better numbers. Ever since that long-over debate, I have had a sour spot for TO. Moss > TO.

2009 Record – 10-6
2010 Prediction – 8-8