The Tortured Iowan - Geoff Estes

I have a picture somewhere of me in an old Vikings sweatshirt and LogoAthletic Vikes hat sitting on a prop bike with E.T. in the basket. It was some attempt Sears made at making a photo-op for parents who enjoyed making their children hate their life for a few seconds. So of course, my aunt dragged me and my brother along to get a picture flying E.T. to the moon or wherever the fuck E.T. was from. The point is that when I was still young enough to pose on a fake bicycle with a fake alien, I had already sealed my fate as a tortured, heartbroken, Vikings fan.

I was born in 1985 and I contend that it is damn near, if not entirely impossible to chose a more heartbreaking group of favorite teams since the year I graced the Earth. Me and my brother got a full set of 1990 Topps football cards. I got a Herschel Walker card when he was with the Vikings. At the time, I didn't know we sold our whole franchise, along with a Viking horn and a autographed picture of Ragnar the Viking to the Cowboys for Herschel. This card, for some reason (I liked purple and yellow, I admit it) became my favorite card. I soon learned my beloved Grandpa was a Vikings fan...Done. I was a Purple People Eater for life. Little did I know this would lead me to be walking through the Iowa snow on a late January Monday in 2010 considering if I would be better off if I jumped into the Iowa river instead of going home and watching PTI and Sportscenter continue to punch me in the balls all afternoon. My other two teams..not any better.

I have a short dad. He couldn't be taller than 5'5. Had he been taller, he might have been playing some minor league ball somewhere or collegiate basketball somewhere in his day. Even with his verticle challenge, he went to Burlington Junior College in Burlington, IA and roomed with a 7 foot black man from Detroit. This giant later told the basketball coach at Burlington that he could be without his center unless "Shorty", my dad, was also on the team. I'm not sure what happened, but I do know that later when my mom and dad got married, right next to my dad on the alter was a seven foot former professional basketball player. This beast of a man? None other than "The Beast" Mel Daniels. The same Mel Daniels who went on to be a member of some ABA Champion Pacers teams and has his number 34 hanging from the rafters in Conseco Fieldhouse. This led to me being taken to numerous Pacers games by my dad when I was little, seeing a Pacers versus Iversons playoff game the last season at Market Square Arena and getting to meet my all-time hero Reggie Miller (along with other personal favorites Mark Jackson and Rik Smits). Vikings. Check. Pacers. Check.

You are probably going through your head thinking who could be the icing on the cake to go with these two teams...well look no further than Charlie Sheen. Yes I admit, I may have had stellar ITBS scores, but I wasn't always the brightest. I thought Rick Vaughn was my favorite player. Granted, I was only 5, but I was sucked in to being a die-hard, fever-pitch style, headdress wearing Tribe fanatic.

Indians, Pacers, Vikings. Go ahead and bring on the contenders of more heartbreaking franchises since 85'. You can't do it. Cubs? Puh-lees. The Cubs have gotten rational fan hopes up exactly once. Against the Marlins in 2003 with the whole "Bartman" game. While we are on the subject, I would like to officially change it from "The Bartman Game" to the "Alex Gonzalez" game. I'll send around a petition. But the Cubs are not a very heartbreaking franchise. The Lovable Losers are far from lovable. The fans sell out Wrigley, but that's not for the team, its for the atmosphere and beer. Cubs fans are what I call 2 week fans. They are huge Cubs fans the first week of the season, and the last (but only if they are in contention). I honestly think some Cubs fans don't want to win a World Series then they would realize their true identity as fans of a high-spending bully team that everybody else in the country hates because they whine too much. Just ask the Red Sox fans.

Bills? Sure they lost for SuperBowls in a row, but they really only had a chance to win one of them, and since then have been awful. I do epitomize with Bills fans though. They don't even get 8 home games anymore. Browns? Hard to be heartbroken when you only win two games a year. I'll leave these arguments for you, I'll make a brief case for my three teams.

Pacers - 1993-1994 against the Knicks. Despite Reggie's heroics, heartbreaking. 1995 against the Magic. 1998 - outplaying the Bulls and losing in OT of game 7. 1999 - the Larry Johnson four point play. 2000 - Playing neck and neck with the Lakers, only to lose in OT in game 4 and never recover and lose the series 4-2. Having the best team in the NBA (seriously) in 2004 and losing EVERYTHING in the brawl. 2005-2008 a downward spiral of violence, guns and strippers. 2009-2010 the Larry Bird era of the Great (Terrible) White (Slow) Team. Never won an NBA Title

What could go worse? - I saw a mock draft that had us taking Cole Aldrich from Kansas. I might tryout myself if this happens because I will fit in with everybody on that team - slow, white, shitty.

Indians - Losing every year until 1994. 1995 Series against the Braves. 1997 - Jose Mesa. I cried. 2001 - Pedro kills the Indians 2002-2005 watching the team dismantle. 2007 - the Red Sox 3-1 lead being blown. 2008 - The C.C. trade. 2009 - The everybody trade. Cliff Lee vs. C.C. in the World Series game 1. Second longest World Series Title drought in the Majors.

What could go worse? - Finishing last place behind K.C. seems realistic in 2010. 1 and 2 pitchers are sinkerballers. One coming off Tommy John, the other walks every other batter. Oh No.

Vikings - 1988 - Darren Nelson game. 1997 - The Gary Anderson game where the Super Bowl was all but handed to the Vikes. 2001 - Getting blown out 41-0 by he Giants in the NFC championship. 2006 against the Cardinals and Poole sending the Pack to the playoffs. 2010 - 2 weeks ago. The Saints game. Still not quite over it. 0-4 in Superbowls.

How it could get worse? - Favre retires, Tarvaris Jackson becomes the starter and the window of opprotunity is slammed shut, ending with the "12 men in the huddle game". Then Brad Childress is caught on tape selling candy to children out of a big purple windowless van.

Pray for me. If something tragic happens in the next 12 months, I might be the guy kicking his directtv dish out of the ground in the front yard.